Lately, I have begun to receive a lot of emails about in legislation (particularly mothers and sisters in law) who the writer perceives is “trying to destroy my marriage” or “attempting to drive a wedge between my spouse and myself.” Often, Centurian Services (which is usually a woman) will tell me that the mother in law never liked her, has never accepted her, and will never pass up any opportunity to cause trouble or to produce the husband chose sides to stir up any issue that is going to create tension and drama.
This is a tough situation. Your husband did not choose his parents and, like it or not, he is stuck with them. I mean, you can certainly divorce your spouse and not be legally attached to them anymore, but your immediate family (and especially the woman who gave birth to you) is yours forever. Add this to the fact that many mothers will cling onto their adult sons as though he’s as accountable to her as her own husband and there is most definitely a recipe for conflict there. I’ll offer tips and advice on how to best handle this in the following article.
Always Try To See Things From Your Husband’s Perspective: I know that I am asking a lot when I tell you. It’s hard to put yourself in somebody else’s shoes when you’re being attacked. However, it’s essential to remember that your husband is the person who’s caught in the middle. His mother will probably find any breaking away on his role as a betrayal. That’s not to say that he does not have a responsibility to you – he does – and I will discuss that more below. But, you need to do your part as well. Prior to making any requests of him, consider how you would want him to respond if the roles were reversed. What if it was your mother who was creating tension and drama with him? Wouldn’t you need for him to try to let this roll off his back as opposed to becoming angry with you and demanding that you put your own mother in her place?
Recognizing What The Mother In Law is actually Trying To Accomplish ( Not Letting Her Get It:-RRB- If you’re right in your assumptions your mother in law wants to break up your marriage, then what better way to fight fire with fire by ensuring that she doesn’t get her wish? Don’t play directly into her hand. What she really does not want if for you to go about your business completely happy and unaffected by her games. So, this is just what you want to happen, obviously. If he is happy at home, then he isn’t likely to listen to her criticisms or even to listen. This is your objective.
Thus, remain lighthearted when she is flinging her barbs. Act as though she’s literally joking. You want to let her know that you are laughing her off and that her efforts to hurt you’re not just missing the mark, but are giving you something to be amused by. This is great advice in this circumstance. The meaner she gets, the more you should smile. This will annoy her more than anything. If you become angry and have a negative reaction, then she has won that hand. But if you smile and then dismiss her, this will make her very frustrated. And, if you keep up this game long enough, she just eventually might quit playing.
Developing A United Front With Compromise: Up until today, I’ve been asking you to do all the giving, but it is not asking too much to ask your husband to place some boundaries too. This does not mean that you should ever ask him to estrange himself from his mother. But, it is not unreasonable to ask him to set some limitations. You are a family too now and you may choose to spend some holidays alone or together with your own family. You may not want to have Sunday dinner at her house every week. There’s a happy medium in all these situations. It is not fair to ask him to make extreme changes but there’s nothing wrong with cutting back. This gives every one at least some of what they want.
Understand what your best case scenario is. I am betting that you want for your own family to be a priority and to be joyful. And, you probably want your husband to be happy with no unnecessary stress regarding your or his family. In truth, you can’t control the way your mother in law or your in laws behave or what they demand from him. However, what you can control is your reaction to it. You can command your own immediate family. So, try to keep him happy as home as you can and limit your negative contact with the in-laws as much as you feasibly can by setting limits.
At the end of the day, you need to bear in mind that it’s your job to safeguard your own happiness and well being. Because the spouse and mother’s mental health and piece of mind affects every one in the family. Do not let her (or them) get to you and change your happiness. They want to whittle away at your loved ones? Make sure they know that your family is so strong and deeply connected that they are only wasting their time. Respect your husband can’t picked or force his family to behave. You can not control others. But, you can restrain yourself and your reactions to them. Always make sure that these responses are in the best interest of your family, not theirs.
Unfortunately for me, I played right into my mom in law’s hand. This way, she got exactly what she wanted and it placed lots of stress on the marriage until we eventually separated.